I've thought a lot about prayer in my life. I often feel that I fall very short in my prayers, not because I don't want them to be sincere, but because I can't utter what I feel in my heart. This has happened for several reasons.
When I was a child I was severely abused. I had my head kicked in and my jaw broken and the teeth on that side knocked out. It healed on its own without medical attention, but it was painful and left me with a lot of fear.
I always wanted to attend church even as a little child, but only my brothers and sister were allowed to go. I think now that it was because there might have been too many questions about the missing teeth and bruises, or any of the other many signs of physical abuse going on. However, I loved hearing any stories my sister would tell me about what she learned in church.
She told me one time about a story of a child who was sick and worried. This child heard that Christ would hear her prayers and comfort her. One morning, after a very rough night her mother asked her if anything different had happened during the night. The child replied that she'd dreamed that the Lord had stayed with her and held her hand all night. The mother said that the child had her hand raised in the air all night, as though someone were holding it.
I decided I'd try it out. I went to sleep that night with my hand in the air, hoping that somehow God would see my hand and help me. As I fell asleep my hand came down. The next morning I knew that God had not seen my hand. Instead of making me lose my faith, I determined to do everything I could to be righteous enough so that someday he would see my hand and help me. I've been working at it ever since.
Later as a teenager of about 17, I knelt in prayer in a cold, dark basement room, my heart full of I didn't know what. I needed help in a desperate way. I'd been raped and beaten, but didn't know how to express what I was feeling. I needed God to see my hand and help me. I couldn't utter anything in that prayer and I felt ashamed that there were no words to speak. I had no words of sadness, or loss or faith or thanks. I just knelt there shivering in the dark.
As I grew weary with my own lack of speech, I got up from the floor, determined to live righteously enough that someday I'd have the right words that would draw me close enough to Christ so that I'd feel like I was doing right by Him.
There are still times when my heart wants so badly to pray but there are no words to utter. Sure, I can say a prayer of thanks and mean it with my whole heart, but there are still times when thanks are not enough. Expression escapes me.
I am comforted by the scripture 3 Nephi 13:8, "For your Father knoweth what things ye are in need of before ye ask him." I am comforted in the belief that my Father knows what's in my heart when I do not. He knows what I'm trying to say, when I don't. He hears what I truly cannot say, and when I can say it, it sounds just like, "Thank you for my life and my experiences, and all that you've let me learn and endure. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I came here to gain experience and I'm grateful you took me at my word."
In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Friday, February 26, 2016
Thursday, November 19, 2015
The Sounds of Silence--What is My Legacy?
One of the saddest stories in the Book of Mormon is found in the book of Omni. It is not sad for what is written, it is sad for what is not written.
The small plates of Nephi, created by Nephi to record sacred events and teachings, had been passed down from father to son or brother, for 470 years. During the first 320 years, the prophets had recorded their trials and teachings, and the fate of their people based on the people's righteousness.
238 years after Lehi left Jerusalem, there is a sad and dramatic change in the writings on the plates. The plates were passed to a man named Omni who candidly admits that he is a wicked man. He has not kept the commandments of the Lord as he ought to have. His entry is brief. He tells of his involvement in the wars between the Nephites and the Lamanites. He then passes the plates to his son Amaron.
Amaron makes one entry onto the plates. He writes about the destruction or preservation of the Nephites based on the righteousness of the Nephites. He makes the entry the same day he passes the plates to his brother Chemish.
Chemish makes one entry on the plates and that is only to say that he's passing the record to his son Abinadom.
Abinadom makes a very brief entry and it is to say that he has lived his life in war with the Lamanites, and knows of no revelations or prophecies. He then passes the plates to his son Amaleki.
In this approximately 150 year time span, the only thing that is recorded is that there are wars between the Nephites and the Lamanites. Each writer has had to fight to preserve the Nephites. However, not one of them wrote about why they were fighting. Not one of them wrote any stirring words along the lines of Captain Moroni's title of liberty, we fight "In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives, and our children."
Not one of them wrote of revelation, including personal revelation. They did not record their trials or successes. They were not even affiliated enough with the prophets that were in the land, to record those prophets' revelations. These men were all of the noble line of Lehi, the kingly men, the line of prophets, and they only wrote that they fought in many wars.
One can fight for all that is right, or fight merely to save one's life. Survival without purpose beyond staying alive is an empty existence. I feel this emptiness deeply as I read the lack of words that could have been written.
What is my legacy? What will I pass to my children?
My legacy is that I came into the world to survive. I have survived many things including abuse, illness, and loss, but with a purpose much greater than mere survival. I have survived with the purpose of living a life of service, doing good, keeping the commandments, and teaching others to do the same. I have recorded in my journal my trials and successes; my failures and repentance. I have recorded my personal revelations, the ones that have kept me progressing forward.
Silence is not golden, it is only silence. It teaches nothing; it adds nothing. We have been advised to keep journals. I have kept a journal for 38 years and it is one of the greatest blessings in my life. I am not silent in my journal. I learn and grow as I write and pray. I could not have learned as much, without the process of recording what I've learned.
I do not want my legacy that I pass to my children to be, "She lived, she survived, she died." I want to record the stirring words the Lord has put into my heart, the trials that have brought me to my knees and the love of the Lord that lifted me again. I want to break the sounds of fear, too much business, survival without purpose, and a life without faith. I want to break the sounds of silence.
The small plates of Nephi, created by Nephi to record sacred events and teachings, had been passed down from father to son or brother, for 470 years. During the first 320 years, the prophets had recorded their trials and teachings, and the fate of their people based on the people's righteousness.
238 years after Lehi left Jerusalem, there is a sad and dramatic change in the writings on the plates. The plates were passed to a man named Omni who candidly admits that he is a wicked man. He has not kept the commandments of the Lord as he ought to have. His entry is brief. He tells of his involvement in the wars between the Nephites and the Lamanites. He then passes the plates to his son Amaron.
Amaron makes one entry onto the plates. He writes about the destruction or preservation of the Nephites based on the righteousness of the Nephites. He makes the entry the same day he passes the plates to his brother Chemish.
Chemish makes one entry on the plates and that is only to say that he's passing the record to his son Abinadom.
Abinadom makes a very brief entry and it is to say that he has lived his life in war with the Lamanites, and knows of no revelations or prophecies. He then passes the plates to his son Amaleki.
In this approximately 150 year time span, the only thing that is recorded is that there are wars between the Nephites and the Lamanites. Each writer has had to fight to preserve the Nephites. However, not one of them wrote about why they were fighting. Not one of them wrote any stirring words along the lines of Captain Moroni's title of liberty, we fight "In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives, and our children."
Not one of them wrote of revelation, including personal revelation. They did not record their trials or successes. They were not even affiliated enough with the prophets that were in the land, to record those prophets' revelations. These men were all of the noble line of Lehi, the kingly men, the line of prophets, and they only wrote that they fought in many wars.
One can fight for all that is right, or fight merely to save one's life. Survival without purpose beyond staying alive is an empty existence. I feel this emptiness deeply as I read the lack of words that could have been written.
What is my legacy? What will I pass to my children?
My legacy is that I came into the world to survive. I have survived many things including abuse, illness, and loss, but with a purpose much greater than mere survival. I have survived with the purpose of living a life of service, doing good, keeping the commandments, and teaching others to do the same. I have recorded in my journal my trials and successes; my failures and repentance. I have recorded my personal revelations, the ones that have kept me progressing forward.
Silence is not golden, it is only silence. It teaches nothing; it adds nothing. We have been advised to keep journals. I have kept a journal for 38 years and it is one of the greatest blessings in my life. I am not silent in my journal. I learn and grow as I write and pray. I could not have learned as much, without the process of recording what I've learned.
I do not want my legacy that I pass to my children to be, "She lived, she survived, she died." I want to record the stirring words the Lord has put into my heart, the trials that have brought me to my knees and the love of the Lord that lifted me again. I want to break the sounds of fear, too much business, survival without purpose, and a life without faith. I want to break the sounds of silence.
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